ya dads aren't the best wingmen
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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