Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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