i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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