I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
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He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
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Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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