I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
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The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
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I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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