when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
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i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
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I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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