2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I look better un-naked...
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize