Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
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He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
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You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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