We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
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He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
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You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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