why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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