i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
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I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
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I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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