I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
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i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
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Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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