I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize