sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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