Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
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She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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