Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
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He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
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I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
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