I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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