P.S. I can't hear my feet
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
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imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
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My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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