i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
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I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
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I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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