We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize