Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
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