Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
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It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
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We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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