I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
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I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
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And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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