This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
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"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
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Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize