Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
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And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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