So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
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