does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
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last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
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I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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