Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
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Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
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But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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