Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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