if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
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That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
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I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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