I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
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Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
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Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
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