I wish they made helmets for livers.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
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I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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