she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
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Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
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I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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