So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
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WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
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I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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