just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
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This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
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Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
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