and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
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Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
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Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
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