One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
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So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
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Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
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