Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
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