his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
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I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
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I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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