Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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