I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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