he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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