I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
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As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
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He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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