that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
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We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
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I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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