My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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