Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
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