i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
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A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
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I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize