Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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