theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
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Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
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He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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