I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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